Depressed?

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, this weekend.  I have bouts of energy but I feel like if it was just me and Joel I'd have no energy.  Yesterday I took Kylie to the store with me, I had a list of what I needed, but I still wondered around and felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I took an hour nap as well but did not want to get up.  I have to drink Mountain Dew as that seems to help me get going.  Plus it helped to walk to the park.  I need more exercise.  Today I'm feeling that same blah feeling which I know I will snap out of (or cover up) by 3 when we are at Craig's Cruisers for a late birthday party for Kylie.
It's weird to me that on the day of Faith's death I was pretty okay.  But as the week progressed, especially Thursday morning, my emotions were going haywire.  Thursday as we drove to daycare, I thought about the day Faith died and how it was so unbelievable that any of it was happening.  Faith was doing fine. Then all of a sudden I'm holding her cold body in my arms. Part of me feels like she just couldn't take the transfer of hospitals and if she would have just stayed at St. Mary's she'd be fine.  The only pictures we have of the two of them together and with us are from that day.
I have every right to imagine what caring for twins would be like and I just can't.  It's like a mind block, or one of those that I absolutely have to experience before I know.  I had the same thing about getting married, I couldn't really picture it until it happened.
Well, I actually feel better writing and crying.  Plus it's hard to stay sad for too long when watching Chloe.  Currently she is looking out the window, banging on it, saying "da da da." Daddy is downstairs so I know she can't see him but must think he is outside. She does smile a lot which I'm thankful for.  I don't think I could handle a serious baby.  I'm using the laptop and she apparently thought I need to use our PC because she went and turned it on. I say "no" to her and she just looks at me and smiles.  Little Miss Mischievous.  She's moved on to picking out a movie : ) We have to start getting ready for the rest of our day.

Rainbow Jell-O and Chloe

Chloe right after church.

Faith's Angelversary

Today is the day. One year ago today our world came crashing down.  I can't even explain how I feel, sad, empty, depressed, angry.  I haven't really cried today, not yet anyway.  Last night I broke down in front of Kylie saying "I can't do this." She went to her bed and was really sad and on the verge of tears.  Poor girl, I didn't want her to feel like she had done anything wrong. So I sat on the bed with her and talked to her about Faith and asked if she remembers.  She didn't really. I was telling her the it's okay Faith died as she is with Jesus "remember baby Jesus?"  I had to get out her children's bible to show her pictures of Jesus as a baby, a little kid, and then all grown up. Who knows if she understood any of it. Just before bed the past few days have been when I get really sad and cry.

I'm torn in two.  It is okay that Faith is in Heaven as I don't know how she would be doing if she were here with us (or how we would be able to handle twins, we're worn out with just Miss I Have To Be Into Everything Chloe and Kylie). The other half of me wonders how it all would be if she were alive. Would she be like Chloe? I know they would look alike but would she be as chubby at age 1?  These questions I will always wonder about. I'll only know those answers when I get to Heaven. 

Today we are doing family activities. We went to church and have already been to Meijer Gardens to see the butterflies.  They were beautiful.  I was hoping one would land on me or Chloe.  Some might have landed on Chloe if Kylie wasn't around always moving the stroller and getting in Chloe's face. There were a lot of them, it was really cool.  We came home to eat lunch and have some rainbow jello. I made strawberry, blue raspberry, lime, and grape layers. I'll post a picture maybe tonight. After nap, Joel wants to get some pictures of Chloe and then we are going to visit Faith's grave and put some flowers on it.  Joel and I want to bring some fleece to St. Mary's but we will wait until we can just take Chloe with us.

Chloe is getting better and better at walking behind her baby stroller. She is so cute. This is another way I feel torn. We are so blessed to have Kylie and Chloe.  I know somehow we're blessed to have Faith as an angel, some days I can see it, but it's so hard when I can't.  How crazy is someone who says "We're blessed to have our child die and be in Heaven." That sounds horrible, as if you're happy your child died. Obviously there's way more to that as you have to look at the whole picture. I know Faith is serving a higher purpose including looking after Chloe and her mom, dad, and big sister.

That's all I can write. I feel so out of place as of late, I don't know which way I'm going.  Maybe I shouldn't say "as of late."  This is all the time. Too much going through my head. Then we have to throw in "Should we send Kylie to preschool?" Ugh. I don't know. I need a nap.

Chloe Pictures from Hospital

 Chloe playing with the stethoscope.

 Poor sick baby girl.

 All better!

Chloe taking her baby for a walk.  She is starting to walk behind movable objects now. I have to be in front of her, otherwise the object would go too fast.

This morning I had to wait for the washer repair man to show up and fix our washer.  We bought it in 2009 and got the 4 year warrenty as well.  Good thing, huh?  Well, let me share a story with everyone.

I went outside to shovel snow as the repair man was going to show up soon (he called and said he was).  I don't know why I shoveled as the snow was falling pretty good at the time. Right now it doesn't look like I did a thing, oh well. Good exercise.  The guy showed up and I took him to the washer in the basement. I tell him the error the machine was saying (it's a front loader).  He starts to put a call into the service center to find out what to do, but they were busy and had him waiting. He turns on the machine to start a load and hears a click and says "I think something clogging the drain pipe." He asked if I had googled the error message. Nope didn't even think about it.  So he has his netbook and googles it and it says "clog of some sort."  Well the dandy of the story is there are clothes in the washer, with a lot of water so the door is locked.  He opens the access panel to get the door unlocked, and then opens the door.  Some water comes spilling out on the floor. I grab some old towels that were close buy to soak the water up.

I believe by now he hung up on the service center because he knows the problem.  He tells me that a clog is not covered under warrenty and I'll have to do it myself or pay $147.  He said I just needed the shop vac, so I went and got it, got down to the access panel and slowing started vaccuming water from the drain. This took a bit of time as I couldn't open the drain access completely or water would be everywhere. He did help me dump the water from the shop vac once as it had filled up.  When I finally got the water out, I opened the access to the drain.  It's kind of like a cap that screws off, not sure how to describe it.  Low and behold, there was the culprit - one of Chloe's socks.  It had twisted itself enough to get sucked into the drain.  Man, all those clothes smelled bad.  I washing them now and probably again and again to see if I can get the smell out.  Don't worry it was mostly Joel's sleep pants : ) Nothing that important.  The repair man says "since you did the work yourself, I won't charge you."  Gee thanks.

Maybe I can become a certified repair woman.   This worked out way better than I thought and way better than someone suggesting we just buy a new washer.  No thanks.  Good think Joel's mom had given us her old one so I could use that.  I think the washer broke on Saturday - that's why the clothes in it are super stinky. Although, I'm not sure which is worse.  The smelly clothes or the stupid skunk that's been outside our house at night for the past couple of nights except last night because of the snow.  At least the clothes I can attempt at getting clean and smelling good, otherwise they will be thrown away.  Can't get rid of the skunk so quick.  I did read that if we soak old clothes in ammonia and put those outside, that will repel skunks.  I might even be able to use some of the clothes from the washer.

Time to get some more work done.

Hope you like the pictures. I wanted to post some of Kylie's birthday but the formatting won't work. Maybe later.

Happy Birthday Kylie!

Kylie's birthday was yesterday. She turned 4.  That was a great day and such an easy pregnancy, I really enjoyed it. Kylie received some great presents this year, I think her favorite is the cash register. She also got a couple of Strawberry Shortcake DVD's, a Crayola Trace N Draw, a tea set, and some other smaller things. She might get a Barbie if I can find where I put it. I have no clue what happen to it, it was on the dinning room table and then was moved so Kylie wouldn't see it.  Oh well, might become a Christmas present.

Chloe went for a follow up today and got the clean bill of health.  We could tell she was doing lots better on Sunday, she just crawls everywhere and gets into everything.  Yesterday she loved crawling over one of the birthday boxes, back and forth, back and forth. She keeps us busy.

I haven't been feeling the best lately so not up to writing too much, or posting pictures. A relaxing weekend will help (I hope).

Chloe is Home!

Chloe came home today. It took a long time to get her discharged as the pharmacy was backed up, then the one med wouldn't be covered under Medicaid but a different dosage of it would be?? I can't figure that one out. Then they forgot to put the one med that needs to be refrigerated in the bag, so I had to go back and get it. Good thing we don't live that far away. Chloe's doing well. It nice to see her not hooked up to everything. It gets hard to hold her when they have to monitor heart, oxygen, and respiratory, plus the IV. Today she was trying to move all over her crib, pulling at the wires. So happy to be home. I can sleep in my own bed tonight! So can Chloe.

Thank you for all your prayers!

Hospital

Yesterday, Chloe was not doing well. She actually hasn't been doing well all week.  But yesterday she sounded bad and she wouldn't play, just wanted to be held. I was at work in the morning and then I leave at noon so Joel can go to work. He called and said he didn't like how Chloe was doing.  I thought I better get her in to see someone. The doctor's office closes at noon on Wednesday, so that wasn't an option. I had taken Chloe home and she seemed okay, but I did not like her cough.  We went to the DeVos Children's Hospital's ER.  She tested positive for Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV).  It is a very common virus that leads to mild, cold-like symptoms in adults and older healthy children. It can be more serious in young babies, especially to those in certain high-risk groups. They kept her overnight for observation.

This morning, the doctor said they need to get things under control, she needs to maintain oxygen levels on her.  So now she is in the hospital for who knows how long, maybe a couple of days, maybe longer.  Doesn't help I have a cold right now. Most likely she picked this up from the new day care she's at. She was there 4 and a half days.  Because of her prematurity and her chronic heart (the pulmonary valve) the treatment is a bit different.  Sounds like we'll have to give her breathing treatments for at least a month or longer.

I'm staying at the hospital (writing this at home because I can't seem to get to blog from my phone, but they have computer there).  Last night I slept in a not so comfy chair. Tonight there is a couch that converts to a full size bed - yipee.
I've got to get back to Chloe.  My poor little girl.