Banging My Head Against the Wall

"You have got to be kidding me."  I told the nurse at the doctor's office this morning when I brought Chloe in for her RSV shot. They didn't have the vaccine. I called the pharmacy on Tuesday to make sure it would be there, they had said something about giving consent in October but I had heard nothing so I called.  I gave consent the representative said that they can release it to the doctor's office and it should be there by Friday. It wasn't so the office was going to call and I called as well.  Somehow I missed on Tuesday that the doctor's office needed to call and work out the delivery schedule, that's why they didn't ship it.  I guess it obviously wasn't clear when I said "Her appointment is on Friday, the vaccine will be there?"  The answer was "yes, we ship overnight."  So maybe she will get it on Monday or Tuesday. 
I was getting a little irritated and I told the representative today that Chloe's suppose to have these shots November through March and I'm getting concerned we're halfway through November.  Will they still be effective if she misses the first one?  I also a little worried she'll get RSV before she receives the shot.
I put my trust in Jesus, it will work out.

This morning Chloe used her little potty!!  The only thing is she was holding her washcloth (for her bath) between her legs to catch the pee.  ??? My only thought is she thinks that's how it works and doesn't understand yet we go, then we wipe. Not wipe as we go. I gave her praise for going. Hey, washcloths are cheaper to wash than buying a pack of diapers.  Chloe is also saying 'yes' and 'no' instead of always nodding her head.

I love my family. : ) We've been through a lot, but I can truly see the blessings we have. 

Chloe had her adjusted age 18 month assessment on Monday. It went great! She didn't get referred to any services and she doesn't have to come back for an adjusted 2 year assessment!!  I think she really showed up the physical therapy folks. She was running, trying to jump, kicking and rolling a ball, doing her yoga ball (she lays her belly on the ball with hands on the floor and balances quite well).  Her range of age is 18 months (because she only has 20 words which is 18 month old) to 23 months (she understands tons). She is short for 21 months (her real age) at 2 feet 7.75 inches, it's the 13th percentile.  She weighs 28 pounds and that's the 87th percentile.  The doctor said she doesn't need to adjust to 18 months because she is big, fine by me.

Playing Catch Up

 



 

 As you can see by the pictures in the previous post, I'm trying to catch up on some postings.  It helped that I found the camera with the SD card I needed.

I've already been at this coffee shop for 1.5 hours just trying to clean up my email and look things up because I'm so behind!  I have a challenge and I'm finding it really hard to do.  When you hear what it is, some of you will understand as you do the same thing and others will think "that's easy, what's the problem?"

I was not in a good place spiritually/emotionally the last couple of months. I just felt depressed and out of sorts and feeling like I can't seem to get anything done.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record saying this because I'm sure I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it in the future.  It's just like last year when I had written on CaringBridge that Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow.  How the heck do you do that! I know - prayer, trust in God.  See- I know the answers, why do I even ask the questions?  Maybe affirmation, maybe someone else needs to hear it. I don't know, I just feel compelled to write it.

As I was saying, not in a good place. I don't think Joel or the girls really notice when I'm like that but I sure do. The icing on the cake of misery was finding out a co-worker and his wife are having twins due mid-May, making the timeline similar to Faith and Chloe. I was really glad that a couple of people came and told me before everyone else got the word.  My face just crumbled and so many emotions and thoughts overwhelmed me. "Why do they get to have twins? What did I do wrong?  I can't handle hearing all about everything?" It was just a bad day - and when I told Joel, he said "so what?" MEN!

I made an appointment with my counselor to meet with her and work through what was going on.  She listened to what was happening. Then she asks if I've been writing in my journal, no I have not been.  Why? I don't have time. I use my night reading time to read insurance books for a test I'm taking at the end of November- boring.  Then she asked about my Fridays, I'm suppose to use Friday as "me" time, to read a book, see a movie, crafting, whatever makes me happy and gives me a sense of peace.  We had agreed to do that a year ago because I would keep feeling overwhelmed by the simplest things.   I am not to use the time to go all around town trying to find green sweatpants for Joel's Halloween costume which I did one Friday to help Joel out, he didn't ask me to do it. Nor am I to clean the house or do laundry.  HOW...DO...I...NOT...DO...THOSE...THINGS!!! Like right now, I shouldn't be blogging because I don't really want to be blogging but I don't want to get way behind in what's happening in our life.  I do get a good feeling when the laundry is clean and put away and the house is clean.  Then I feel like I can spend the weekend doing family things or giving Joel time to work on the house while the girls and I play and do art projects.  But what happens is I feel down and unable to do anything.  It will take me an hour to get ready to do something or the worst is when I can't even put a meal together, I really want to but I can't seem to wrap my brain around what it takes to get that done.  I just can't function properly.  I don't know if I can explain it clearly.  My counselor pointed out to me that I don't think I'm important enough to myself to write in my journal or take "me" time. But I have to please my family and friends and whoever asks me to do whatever.  This should be easy, to do what I want, but I'm finding it very hard.  I took Halloween off because day care was having an afternoon party, then Joel's department was having trick or treating for kids.  I failed on "me" time that day.  I can't remember what I did but I remember I wrote in my journal "Failure." Yes, I'm writing again so that's a good thing.  Last Friday I maybe did half and half but I still didn't feel like I did much for myself.  I think it's because the "me" items were small and didn't take much time.

I will keep trying, putting it in my head that I need to do things that I really enjoy, so I don't feel dragged down.  Sometimes I wonder if I switched my Monday and Friday if that would help me because then I would still be trying to clean and do laundry on Saturday and Sunday. Or would I think "I have Monday for that."

At least I don't feel as down as I did and I'm feeling more like my pre-tragedy self.  Life is moving on. I have the greatest comfort knowing Faith is in a wonderful place and I don't need to worry about her. I know I'll have the down days but I'll take them in stride. The other day I was at a business lunch at a table of 8 where 2 other people have twins. Ugh.  It was okay though. It's no one's fault that they have twins, it happens. It's not my fault that Faith and Chloe had TTTS, it happens for whatever reason no one has figured out yet. 

I think my co-worker was avoiding me because it's a sensitive subject.  One day I went up to him and told him if his wife needs to see a special maternal fetal doctor, I know of the perfect one.  We were really blessed with this doctor, he did all the right things for us. I am so grateful. I've read other TTTS stories where the doctor just tells the couple they should abort one for the best survival of the other or they say neither will live and to abort both. Or the doctor doesn't know about TTTS and it goes undiagnosed, those cases rarely have both babies surviving.  Our doctor's objective was to fight for both girls, no other option.  Well, he did say we have the right to do nothing - no way!

 

In other news, next Friday is Chloe's first RSV shot. I need to call the pharmacy because they have not contacted me for approval like they said they would and I'm afraid the doctor's office won't have the shot in when we get there.  Monday the 12th is her 18 month assessment. I hope it doesn't last 3 hours like last time.  This time it's in the office and not in the Health Department Annex which will have bigger rooms.  I've also noticed Chloe likes getting into the girly things like her sister does. She loves the dress up shoes, purses, rings, babies.  It's too cute.

Kylie is doing well. She still misses her old day care. That closed end of January this year but she had a great bond with a couple of girls there.  She did do a play date with one of the girls a couple of weeks ago. The best part was her old teacher watches this girl so it was hitting two birds with one stone.  She didn't want to leave when I picked her up. She also has said that to me all week when I pick her up at day care.  She says I'm early and I tell her I'm actually later than I should be.  Kids.

 

 

I'm done, hopefully everything is up to date now.  Below are some pictures of the redone family room.  This use to have dark red walls. I like this better, so much lighter!

 

 

Halloween Pics and Others

Sisterly Love!

Trick or Treat time!

"What did I get?"

Eating Jell-O

Friends!

Sweet Girl!

Mommy and Chloe

Chloe sleep eating. We know she will do this if we feed her after 12:30