Yesterday I stop by Faith's grave. Makes me sad to see all the plots of infants. A new one was added on the 20th. My heart goes out to that family. Since Faith burial last March, 3 new plots have been added. The new one made me cry because I could tell it was new, only 7 days old. The memories rise up fresh in my mind.
Not much else going on at the moment. I will have to blog more later, it might be a busy week though. I'll have to see about getting some more picture, especially of the birthday girl.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Happy Birthday Chloe and Faith!
What a day. I believe it's been a good one, I only cried a couple of times. This morning at breakfast I told Joel it should have been two chubbers to wish Happy Birthday to, not just one. Then, at 3 PM, I felt really sick, like I was going to throw up. The girls were born at 3:11 and 3:12. I drink some water and and slowly started to feel better. We had some friends and family over, just a small group, for dinner and that was really nice. I thought maybe I'd breakdown but I didn't, too much to do. Chloe had potatoes and carrots and Cheerios for dinner. For her dessert, she had rainbow Jello while the rest of us had a cupcake. People were fascinated by the rainbow Jello that everyone had a piece of that too. That's fine, it's good stuff. I think our small group will get to partake in some on Tuesday as well since we have enough. I don't really like just plain Jello, so the fun way to eat it is to make a rainbow. It was grape, orange, blue raspberry, and lime.
Chloe got some excellent presents. A couple of babies, stroller, book and polar bear, outfit, musical caterpillar, a video titled "Chloe's Closet" (or something like that), a stuffed kitten and a doll that she can practice zipping, snapping, buttoning, buckle, etc. She is a very fortunate girl to have such caring people around her, and not just the people that came tonight but all her family and friend, even strangers that have prayed for her. What a blessing.
Last year, the doctor wanted to check me daily. That was fine, I was in the hospital anyway, not like I had big plans everyday. He came in the morning and did a scan. He didn't like what he saw and gave me more fluids and said he would scan me later. I think he scanned me three times and he just didn't feel comfortable leaving the babies in. The fear was the placenta wasn't doing a good job providing nourishment. He schedule me for an afternoon C-section. I held out for a week because the doctor thought Chloe and Faith were going to have to come out the previous weekend when I was 25 weeks. How scary.
I made a couple of phone calls to tell people Jan 22 would be the day. This is my dad's birthday as well (Happy Birthday Dad.) I was also reminded that it was the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, making abortion legal in the US. It breaks my heart to know that here I am fighting to have my babies, having no control of this disease, and knowing other women as well that fought or are fighting today because they can't control it, and then having women just killing their babies just because ____. Is it really worth it? We put our trust in God and said whatever He does with this, we'll accept. We may not be happy with it but we'll accept it. I have to confess that after they were born, I didn't want to see them. I was so afraid they would die that I thought it would be better. I got to kiss each of their heads as they were swept away to the NICU but then I can't remember if I went down later that day or the next to see them. I saw their tiny helpless bodies in an incubator and I didn't know what to do or how to act. I eventually got comfortable with the situation, I had to as they were going to be their for awhile.
It seems so sad to say that the best times ever where in that NICU, just because Faith was there and Chloe was there and then on Sundays Kylie could visit. We had a couple of great Sundays. We couldn't stay long but that was okay. I remember feeling good because things were going good. What happened? I want to know that answer, why Faith stayed as short (or as long) as she did. I hope some day to know whether I'm here on Earth or in Heaven.
Chloe got some excellent presents. A couple of babies, stroller, book and polar bear, outfit, musical caterpillar, a video titled "Chloe's Closet" (or something like that), a stuffed kitten and a doll that she can practice zipping, snapping, buttoning, buckle, etc. She is a very fortunate girl to have such caring people around her, and not just the people that came tonight but all her family and friend, even strangers that have prayed for her. What a blessing.
Last year, the doctor wanted to check me daily. That was fine, I was in the hospital anyway, not like I had big plans everyday. He came in the morning and did a scan. He didn't like what he saw and gave me more fluids and said he would scan me later. I think he scanned me three times and he just didn't feel comfortable leaving the babies in. The fear was the placenta wasn't doing a good job providing nourishment. He schedule me for an afternoon C-section. I held out for a week because the doctor thought Chloe and Faith were going to have to come out the previous weekend when I was 25 weeks. How scary.
I made a couple of phone calls to tell people Jan 22 would be the day. This is my dad's birthday as well (Happy Birthday Dad.) I was also reminded that it was the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, making abortion legal in the US. It breaks my heart to know that here I am fighting to have my babies, having no control of this disease, and knowing other women as well that fought or are fighting today because they can't control it, and then having women just killing their babies just because ____. Is it really worth it? We put our trust in God and said whatever He does with this, we'll accept. We may not be happy with it but we'll accept it. I have to confess that after they were born, I didn't want to see them. I was so afraid they would die that I thought it would be better. I got to kiss each of their heads as they were swept away to the NICU but then I can't remember if I went down later that day or the next to see them. I saw their tiny helpless bodies in an incubator and I didn't know what to do or how to act. I eventually got comfortable with the situation, I had to as they were going to be their for awhile.
It seems so sad to say that the best times ever where in that NICU, just because Faith was there and Chloe was there and then on Sundays Kylie could visit. We had a couple of great Sundays. We couldn't stay long but that was okay. I remember feeling good because things were going good. What happened? I want to know that answer, why Faith stayed as short (or as long) as she did. I hope some day to know whether I'm here on Earth or in Heaven.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
To Go to Work or Not Go to Work, That is the Question
I have a head cold. I'm pretty sure Chloe has the same thing, lucky girl can sleep all she wants to help her get better. I have to go to work. Well, I don't have to, I just do. It's in my moral being to keep chugging along no matter how bad I feel. Plus at work I don't have separate sick days, it's all rolled into Paid Time Off (PTO) so who wants to take a day off if they feel miserable when they could take a day off for vacation? Or in my case take a day off when eventually one of the kids gets sick and I have to stay home with them. I don't feel miserable, just stuffed up.
If I stay home and I tell Kylie "Mommy is sick and is staying home to rest." She will say "I'm sick too, can I stay home with you?" Not the best way to get rest - having a 3 year old around. She is getting that age where she will say she doesn't feel good and you can't tell if she's telling the truth or doesn't want to do something. She's only done it a couple of times. Monday I told her it was school and she said "I thought you said I was done with school?" Me, smiling: "Oh honey, you won't be done with school for a long, long time." I told her Friday it was her last day of school for the week, somehow when she asked, I thought she was asking if it was forever.
I wrote the above yesterday and then was too tired to finish so I just went to bed. I did leave work early to get some more rest and I seem to be doing better. I hope Chloe is too. She always wakes up with all these boogers all over her face from rubbing her nose in the night. She's become the Booger Monster : ) Her birthday is Sunday so she needs to be ready to party. Unfortunately she can't eat some of the foods you'd give a 1 year old, so instead of cake I think I'll make her rainbow jello. She likes that and bananas. It's funny to watch her eat bananas too, that will also be on her menu.
If I stay home and I tell Kylie "Mommy is sick and is staying home to rest." She will say "I'm sick too, can I stay home with you?" Not the best way to get rest - having a 3 year old around. She is getting that age where she will say she doesn't feel good and you can't tell if she's telling the truth or doesn't want to do something. She's only done it a couple of times. Monday I told her it was school and she said "I thought you said I was done with school?" Me, smiling: "Oh honey, you won't be done with school for a long, long time." I told her Friday it was her last day of school for the week, somehow when she asked, I thought she was asking if it was forever.
I wrote the above yesterday and then was too tired to finish so I just went to bed. I did leave work early to get some more rest and I seem to be doing better. I hope Chloe is too. She always wakes up with all these boogers all over her face from rubbing her nose in the night. She's become the Booger Monster : ) Her birthday is Sunday so she needs to be ready to party. Unfortunately she can't eat some of the foods you'd give a 1 year old, so instead of cake I think I'll make her rainbow jello. She likes that and bananas. It's funny to watch her eat bananas too, that will also be on her menu.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Can I skip this month?
I want to skip this month, it seems every other thought I have is "last year this" and "last year that." So I want to by pass January, but I know that is not good because Chloe and Faith date of birth is in January. I want Chloe's birthday to be good and special but what about Faith. How do we celebrate her too? I have heard of releasing balloons at the grave site as an option. I think Joel and I have decided to try and give back to the NICU where Chloe and Faith spent their first 5 weeks (or 35 days) of life. I guess as long as it comes from the heart, it will be beautiful.
I forgot to tell my little story about Sunday when Joel and I were packing up the van to come home from up north. My mother-in-law gave us a washing machine, which Joel forgot to mention to me that we were getting this one. I'm fine with it because I was thinking on Friday that it would be nice to have 2 washers to get the clothes done faster. Plus the basement seems to be getting a little cleaner as Joel had to organize it a little to get the washer in place. In order to load the washer in the van, all the seats needed to be folded down. The back middle seat has the shoulder strap connected from ceiling to seat. Joel asked me if I knew how to disconnect that strap. I go look at it and it looks like you just push in this red part of the clip. I couldn't get it with my fingers, maybe because it was cold out, so I used Kylie's Cinderella Barbie that was conveniently in the van. Her arm worked perfectly. I was able to release the strap so seat could go down. Joel said "Great, what am I suppose to do if there's not a Barbie in the van?" Good question. We'll find out if that ever happens. We don't need that strap unless someone is sitting in the back middle which hardly ever happens.
That's my story. What would we do without Barbie?
I forgot to tell my little story about Sunday when Joel and I were packing up the van to come home from up north. My mother-in-law gave us a washing machine, which Joel forgot to mention to me that we were getting this one. I'm fine with it because I was thinking on Friday that it would be nice to have 2 washers to get the clothes done faster. Plus the basement seems to be getting a little cleaner as Joel had to organize it a little to get the washer in place. In order to load the washer in the van, all the seats needed to be folded down. The back middle seat has the shoulder strap connected from ceiling to seat. Joel asked me if I knew how to disconnect that strap. I go look at it and it looks like you just push in this red part of the clip. I couldn't get it with my fingers, maybe because it was cold out, so I used Kylie's Cinderella Barbie that was conveniently in the van. Her arm worked perfectly. I was able to release the strap so seat could go down. Joel said "Great, what am I suppose to do if there's not a Barbie in the van?" Good question. We'll find out if that ever happens. We don't need that strap unless someone is sitting in the back middle which hardly ever happens.
That's my story. What would we do without Barbie?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
New Year
This week was hard to get in to. All the hustle and bustle of the holidays and having days off work made it hard to get into doing work this past week. I finally got my act together and started getting some work done. I even think I was good at home keeping things clean. Hopefully I can keep it up.
This past weekend we went to see Joel's mom and we all got some more Christmas presents. Kylie loved the candy and this bouncy ball we played catch with. Chloe seemed to like everything as she was crawling or scooting over to every gift she could get her hands on. It was a nice time, I had some good quality time with my girls. It's so fun to watch them grow.
I thought about New Year's Resolutions. I usually don't make any and I haven't this time either. Why make a resolution when in 3 weeks it's gone out the window? I guess I made a resolution to try and keep the house cleaner, but that will probably be gone in a week : )
This past weekend we went to see Joel's mom and we all got some more Christmas presents. Kylie loved the candy and this bouncy ball we played catch with. Chloe seemed to like everything as she was crawling or scooting over to every gift she could get her hands on. It was a nice time, I had some good quality time with my girls. It's so fun to watch them grow.
I thought about New Year's Resolutions. I usually don't make any and I haven't this time either. Why make a resolution when in 3 weeks it's gone out the window? I guess I made a resolution to try and keep the house cleaner, but that will probably be gone in a week : )
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year
Well, it's happened. Chloe can crawl! She did it on Saturday. She can go just a little way but I know it will be no time before she goes across the room. It's really time to get the baby gates up. Chloe also said "mama" for the first time on Sunday. I also heard her say it tonight too. She's growing up! I can hardly believe it.
I hope this year is better than the last one. It should be but we never know what's going to happen, only God knows. I've had some ups and downs this past week. Yesterday I was thinking about what I was doing last year. I was lying on the bed keeping myself busy. I was thinking "I miss that." Why would I think that? Because last year there was still the hope that things would turn out ok. The girls were doing good. It was on Jan 13 that things changed - I had to be on bed rest in the hospital. Then it would only be for 9 days. I want to go back but I don't want to go back and live that all again. I want a different ending.
Most of the time I am strong and I think "I'm fine, I can do this." But every once in awhile like right now I just don't know. Why can't the grieving process be a once and done. I know that's not healthy but it would be easier. I think this is coming upon me because I looked at Faith's scrapbook. It's the first time I really looked at the pictures to see the resemblance to Chloe and then that made me think "would they really look alike today? Would Faith be smaller? Would she have any issues like feeding tube or oxygen?" Questions I shouldn't even concern myself with. I thought I would be able to look at her photo and be at peace or something but that didn't happen. I'll try again later, in a few months.
I'm alone right now, that's why this is coming out. I purposefully waited until Joel went to bed because I can't seem to express myself very openly with someone else in the room. But I needed to get it out.
Pray that Chloe gets over this cold she has. Her nose is stuffy but it's pretty clear snot coming out and she coughs, especially in her sleep. Otherwise she seems fine. I just remembered in the NICU they said if she gets sick make sure your doctor knows she was a preemie. Chloe doctor does know. Are preemies more prone to get something or have the cold turn into something worse? I'll be calling the doctor next week if this hasn't gone away. It's hard too when family also have colds and probably some at daycare too.
I hope this year is better than the last one. It should be but we never know what's going to happen, only God knows. I've had some ups and downs this past week. Yesterday I was thinking about what I was doing last year. I was lying on the bed keeping myself busy. I was thinking "I miss that." Why would I think that? Because last year there was still the hope that things would turn out ok. The girls were doing good. It was on Jan 13 that things changed - I had to be on bed rest in the hospital. Then it would only be for 9 days. I want to go back but I don't want to go back and live that all again. I want a different ending.
Most of the time I am strong and I think "I'm fine, I can do this." But every once in awhile like right now I just don't know. Why can't the grieving process be a once and done. I know that's not healthy but it would be easier. I think this is coming upon me because I looked at Faith's scrapbook. It's the first time I really looked at the pictures to see the resemblance to Chloe and then that made me think "would they really look alike today? Would Faith be smaller? Would she have any issues like feeding tube or oxygen?" Questions I shouldn't even concern myself with. I thought I would be able to look at her photo and be at peace or something but that didn't happen. I'll try again later, in a few months.
I'm alone right now, that's why this is coming out. I purposefully waited until Joel went to bed because I can't seem to express myself very openly with someone else in the room. But I needed to get it out.
Pray that Chloe gets over this cold she has. Her nose is stuffy but it's pretty clear snot coming out and she coughs, especially in her sleep. Otherwise she seems fine. I just remembered in the NICU they said if she gets sick make sure your doctor knows she was a preemie. Chloe doctor does know. Are preemies more prone to get something or have the cold turn into something worse? I'll be calling the doctor next week if this hasn't gone away. It's hard too when family also have colds and probably some at daycare too.
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