Happy New Year

Well, it's happened.  Chloe can crawl! She did it on Saturday.  She can go just a little way but I know it will be no time before she goes across the room.  It's really time to get the baby gates up. Chloe also said "mama" for the first time on Sunday.  I also heard her say it tonight too. She's growing up!  I can hardly believe it.

I hope this year is better than the last one.  It should be but we never know what's going to happen, only God knows. I've had some ups and downs this past week.  Yesterday I was thinking about what I was doing last year. I was lying on the bed keeping myself busy. I was thinking "I miss that."  Why would I think that?  Because last year there was still the hope that things would turn out ok.  The girls were doing good.  It was on Jan 13 that things changed - I had to be on bed rest in the hospital. Then it would only be for 9 days.  I want to go back but I don't want to go back and live that all again.  I want a different ending.

Most of the time I am strong and I think "I'm fine, I can do this." But every once in awhile like right now I just don't know.  Why can't the grieving process be a once and done. I know that's not healthy but it would be easier. I think this is coming upon me because I looked at Faith's scrapbook. It's the first time I really looked at the pictures to see the resemblance to Chloe and then that made me think "would they really look alike today? Would Faith be smaller? Would she have any issues like feeding tube or oxygen?"  Questions I shouldn't even concern myself with. I thought I would be able to look at her photo and be at peace or something but that didn't happen.  I'll try again later, in a few months.

I'm alone right now, that's why this is coming out.  I purposefully waited until Joel went to bed because I can't seem to express myself very openly with someone else in the room.  But I needed to get it out.

Pray that Chloe gets over this cold she has.  Her nose is stuffy but it's pretty clear snot coming out and she coughs, especially in her sleep. Otherwise she seems fine. I just remembered in the NICU they said if she gets sick make sure your doctor knows she was a preemie.  Chloe doctor does know. Are preemies more prone to get something or have the cold turn into something worse? I'll be calling the doctor next week if this hasn't gone away.  It's hard too when family also have colds and probably some at daycare too.