Depressed?

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, this weekend.  I have bouts of energy but I feel like if it was just me and Joel I'd have no energy.  Yesterday I took Kylie to the store with me, I had a list of what I needed, but I still wondered around and felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I took an hour nap as well but did not want to get up.  I have to drink Mountain Dew as that seems to help me get going.  Plus it helped to walk to the park.  I need more exercise.  Today I'm feeling that same blah feeling which I know I will snap out of (or cover up) by 3 when we are at Craig's Cruisers for a late birthday party for Kylie.
It's weird to me that on the day of Faith's death I was pretty okay.  But as the week progressed, especially Thursday morning, my emotions were going haywire.  Thursday as we drove to daycare, I thought about the day Faith died and how it was so unbelievable that any of it was happening.  Faith was doing fine. Then all of a sudden I'm holding her cold body in my arms. Part of me feels like she just couldn't take the transfer of hospitals and if she would have just stayed at St. Mary's she'd be fine.  The only pictures we have of the two of them together and with us are from that day.
I have every right to imagine what caring for twins would be like and I just can't.  It's like a mind block, or one of those that I absolutely have to experience before I know.  I had the same thing about getting married, I couldn't really picture it until it happened.
Well, I actually feel better writing and crying.  Plus it's hard to stay sad for too long when watching Chloe.  Currently she is looking out the window, banging on it, saying "da da da." Daddy is downstairs so I know she can't see him but must think he is outside. She does smile a lot which I'm thankful for.  I don't think I could handle a serious baby.  I'm using the laptop and she apparently thought I need to use our PC because she went and turned it on. I say "no" to her and she just looks at me and smiles.  Little Miss Mischievous.  She's moved on to picking out a movie : ) We have to start getting ready for the rest of our day.