Faith's Angelversary

Today is the day. One year ago today our world came crashing down.  I can't even explain how I feel, sad, empty, depressed, angry.  I haven't really cried today, not yet anyway.  Last night I broke down in front of Kylie saying "I can't do this." She went to her bed and was really sad and on the verge of tears.  Poor girl, I didn't want her to feel like she had done anything wrong. So I sat on the bed with her and talked to her about Faith and asked if she remembers.  She didn't really. I was telling her the it's okay Faith died as she is with Jesus "remember baby Jesus?"  I had to get out her children's bible to show her pictures of Jesus as a baby, a little kid, and then all grown up. Who knows if she understood any of it. Just before bed the past few days have been when I get really sad and cry.

I'm torn in two.  It is okay that Faith is in Heaven as I don't know how she would be doing if she were here with us (or how we would be able to handle twins, we're worn out with just Miss I Have To Be Into Everything Chloe and Kylie). The other half of me wonders how it all would be if she were alive. Would she be like Chloe? I know they would look alike but would she be as chubby at age 1?  These questions I will always wonder about. I'll only know those answers when I get to Heaven. 

Today we are doing family activities. We went to church and have already been to Meijer Gardens to see the butterflies.  They were beautiful.  I was hoping one would land on me or Chloe.  Some might have landed on Chloe if Kylie wasn't around always moving the stroller and getting in Chloe's face. There were a lot of them, it was really cool.  We came home to eat lunch and have some rainbow jello. I made strawberry, blue raspberry, lime, and grape layers. I'll post a picture maybe tonight. After nap, Joel wants to get some pictures of Chloe and then we are going to visit Faith's grave and put some flowers on it.  Joel and I want to bring some fleece to St. Mary's but we will wait until we can just take Chloe with us.

Chloe is getting better and better at walking behind her baby stroller. She is so cute. This is another way I feel torn. We are so blessed to have Kylie and Chloe.  I know somehow we're blessed to have Faith as an angel, some days I can see it, but it's so hard when I can't.  How crazy is someone who says "We're blessed to have our child die and be in Heaven." That sounds horrible, as if you're happy your child died. Obviously there's way more to that as you have to look at the whole picture. I know Faith is serving a higher purpose including looking after Chloe and her mom, dad, and big sister.

That's all I can write. I feel so out of place as of late, I don't know which way I'm going.  Maybe I shouldn't say "as of late."  This is all the time. Too much going through my head. Then we have to throw in "Should we send Kylie to preschool?" Ugh. I don't know. I need a nap.